I’m not sure what has become of this space but I know it
hasn’t become what I envisioned it to be. I’m not sure what I want to do with it
anymore. I’ve been dry for far too long. I could easily blame it on the fact
that I’m a new mom but that’s just not true. I have time to write and create
but I don’t as much as I would like to. I just feel too dry. I’ve been
wondering for quite some time if I’m dealing with depression but I keep going
back to it being my circumstances.
There’s just been too much change in too short of time. I’m
lacking consistency big time. Once I get in the swing of things something
changes again. We move, we change jobs, we have babies, we make new friends, we
lose friends… I’ve come to realize that I thrive off of change just as much as I
thrive off of consistency, a schedule, something or someone to count on. What
am I supposed to do with that?
I really miss feedback. Since we’ve moved around so much,
I’ve not been able to establish a core community. No family nearby, no consistent
job, no consistent group of friends… Often we get feedback from our jobs. A little over a year ago we moved again, I started substitute teaching and I was also pregnant. No one
knew my name let alone knew that I was pregnant. I've heard people complain that others comment too much on their appearance when they’re pregnant but no one
ever commented on mine except for the occasional stranger, I never saw the same
people regularly enough.
Now that I’m staying at home with my daughter there’s
still no feedback. No one is here to say wow you’re doing a great job or be there
when I need a break, some help or advice. It’s hard it’s really hard. I often feel trapped with no break in sight.
I’m trying to make peace with staying at home with my
daughter but it’s not easy. I don’t want to be known as just a mom. I don’t
want mom to become my name. I recently started throwing pottery again but I
found myself not being able to focus and I was lacking inspiration. Having only
random evenings when my husband actually gets off on time and weekends to
devote to it makes me feel rushed and like I don’t have enough time to commit. I’m
going to have to give it up yet again.
It’s amazing where our lives end up taking us. I’ve
experienced so much in my life already and have enjoyed the unique
opportunities that this blog has provided. I do want to continue blogging but I'm finding it really hard to keep giving. It’s hard to give when you feel so dry. I
feel like I’ve spent entirely too long giving in so many areas of my life I just don't know how to keep doing it. It’s how I want to live my life to give expecting nothing in
return. I’m learning it’s just not reality though it’s a basic human need to be
filled back up again.
Have you ever felt dried up? Is this just a season I’m going
through? What are some things we can do when we feel all dried up?
