July 15, 2015

Dry Spell

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cQ8EeyROOrF9n8_BeFHEX0qQt782APn2rBI’m not sure what has become of this space but I know it hasn’t become what I envisioned it to be. I’m not sure what I want to do with it anymore. I’ve been dry for far too long. I could easily blame it on the fact that I’m a new mom but that’s just not true. I have time to write and create but I don’t as much as I would like to. I just feel too dry. I’ve been wondering for quite some time if I’m dealing with depression but I keep going back to it being my circumstances.

There’s just been too much change in too short of time. I’m lacking consistency big time. Once I get in the swing of things something changes again. We move, we change jobs, we have babies, we make new friends, we lose friends… I’ve come to realize that I thrive off of change just as much as I thrive off of consistency, a schedule, something or someone to count on. What am I supposed to do with that? 

I really miss feedback. Since we’ve moved around so much, I’ve not been able to establish a core community. No family nearby, no consistent job, no consistent group of friends… Often we get feedback from our jobs. A little over a year ago we moved again, I started substitute teaching and I was also pregnant. No one knew my name let alone knew that I was pregnant. I've heard people complain that others comment too much on their appearance when they’re pregnant but no one ever commented on mine except for the occasional stranger, I never saw the same people regularly enough. 

Now that I’m staying at home with my daughter there’s still no feedback. No one is here to say wow you’re doing a great job or be there when I need a break, some help or advice. It’s hard it’s really hard. I often feel trapped with no break in sight.

I’m trying to make peace with staying at home with my daughter but it’s not easy. I don’t want to be known as just a mom. I don’t want mom to become my name. I recently started throwing pottery again but I found myself not being able to focus and I was lacking inspiration. Having only random evenings when my husband actually gets off on time and weekends to devote to it makes me feel rushed and like I don’t have enough time to commit. I’m going to have to give it up yet again.

It’s amazing where our lives end up taking us. I’ve experienced so much in my life already and have enjoyed the unique opportunities that this blog has provided. I do want to continue blogging but I'm finding it really hard to keep giving. It’s hard to give when you feel so dry. I feel like I’ve spent entirely too long giving in so many areas of my life I just don't know how to keep doing it. It’s how I want to live my life to give expecting nothing in return. I’m learning it’s just not reality though it’s a basic human need to be filled back up again. 

Have you ever felt dried up? Is this just a season I’m going through? What are some things we can do when we feel all dried up?